Happy new year everybody!! It's a very common tradition for us to make New Years resolutions at the start of each year. Usually we pick something and stick with it for a few weeks or months and then slowly slip out of habit and forget about that resolution.
I am no exception to this common act! In fact- the past 3 or so years I've refused to make a New Years resolution because I know myself all too well and I never stick to my goal anyways so why make one?
Well this year I am challenging myself to a New Years resolution that I have been trying to do since the summer when Kinley was born. And with the hype of everyone being goal oriented, I decided to jump on the band wagon and go all out to overcome this obstacle! You're probably wondering what this resolution has to do with my adoption journey and why I'm blogging about it- but it has a lot to do with my adoption and I have also found if you tell lots of people about your goals or thoughts, they will support you and hold you accountable to accomplishing it:)
Alright- so the New Years resolution (drum role please)... This year my goal is to overcome anger I have towards Kinley's birthfather and his fiancé and to forgive her birthfather for all the hurt I have felt! Ok this might sound so stupid and you're probably thinking 'why didn't she do that before?' Well it's not as easy as it seems and to be honest, I have been trying for the past year!
So I have been reading and talking with other people about how to overcome anger to someone and they have all said to write a letter but don't send it or talk to them in person and straiten things out. To be honest- writing a letter is a good idea but knowing that the letter will never reach them won't be effective for me. And sitting down face to face would not solve anything because it would end up being a cat fight or something. So I have resorted to writing on my blog. It's like writing a letter- it won't be sent to them directly but it's out in the open and in my mind- they have 100% access to it so its as good as sending it. And plus it gets rid of the face to face cat fight because if they want to feel angry, I won't know about it.
So here it goes...
Dear birth dad-
It all started when I found out I was pregnant with Kinley. We were scared to death and didn't know what to do. I felt hurt when you didn't seem motivated to find a better job. I felt hurt when you would rather go hang out with friends instead of help sort out our situation. I was starting to get cold feet in our relationship because you didn't seem on board. When we broke up I didn't even know we broke up until I logged onto Facebook and it said we were single. You used our break up as fuel to make me look like the bad guy. You told everyone I treated you bad and that I expected too much from you. I felt so hurt by this because I was pregnant with your child and I couldn't tell anyone yet because it was too soon. I was made out to look like this heartless person who just broke up with you because I was too stuck up and needy. When in reality there was a whole other element to the situation (an unborn child).
I felt hurt when you were worried about partying and drinking instead of showing support to your child. I was hurt when you denied our baby to your friends. I was hurt when we were planning on keeping the baby and you wanted to sign your rights away and have nothing to do with it. I was hurt you lied to everyone and made me look like an idiot.
When the news of me being pregnant was public you denied being the dad. You lied and said I never told you about her until I was 5 months along when you were there when I took the test. I was hurt when you took me to lunch and told me you wanted to help me pick out adoptive couples and help me anyway you could and the next day you told me never to talk to you. I was hurt when you told me you loved me still and the next day found out you got back together with your ex and were engaged.
I was hurt when you told your parents you weren't the father and I cheated on you and I was making up lies. I was hurt when I asked you to be at the hospital after she was born and you ignored my text. I was hurt that you didn't call, text, anything when she was born. I was hurt when the case worker told me you didn't want to make an adoption plan with Kinley.
Dear birthdad's fiancé
It all started 2 days before Kinley was born. I had asked you to stop requesting me on various social media sites. You lashed back with hateful comments and mean words. I was hurt when you called me a slut. I was hurt when you told me birth dad wanted nothing to do with me or my child. I was hurt when you called me stuck up for being rude in high school. I was hurt when you told me I cheated on birth dad and I'm pathetic because I was pinning a baby on birth dad. I was hurt when you bad mouthed my religion that I love so dearly. I was especially hurt when you said I was a bad Mormon for becoming pregnant. I was mostly hurt because you are a fellow birthmother. You know what it is like to place your child and all the hurt and pain that comes with it. You know how difficult the last parts of pregnancy are anticipating the placement. You especially know what it is like to do it alone because you had to also. When all the placement was over I felt attacked when you started prying into Kinley's new parents lives via social media. I was protective of the fact you were getting in the middle of my situation. I was annoyed that you started copying my ideas of adoption advocacy. I felt threatened that it seemed like you were stealing my adoption support system. I felt threatened when you tried to be in Kinley's life and send her packages and gifts. I feel that isn't your place and you need to focus on your own birth son.
I didn't write this to point fingers or blame anyone or start more drama with these two. I just needed to get it all off of my chest. I have come to terms with all of the stated above. I have already formed my life around the fact that birth dad is non existent. I have excepted that fact and it is what it is. I have also excepted the fact that his fiancé was rude to me. Probably the the meanest anyone has ever been to me in my life- but what was done is done.
I am a true believer that people change. I have changed so much myself. It happens and I'll be first to admit others can too. These two people may have changed as people quite a bit since 6 months ago and that is fine. It's awesome actually. If they have- I have no idea. I don't have access in their lives nor do I ever plan to. The fact of the matter is the kind of people I have been left with the impression of is not so great. I have built up so much anger and bitter feelings it makes me feel so icky inside.
I hate hating people. It breaks you down inside and you find yourself stressing over people and creating more anger and all you do with your time is think about how much you hate them and all the mean things you want to say and do to them. It has made me so bitter sometimes and I hate wasting my thoughts about it. I have worked so hard and have come to peace with my adoption decisions and have been starting to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. It seems like all areas of this journey have come to peace except the topic of the birth dad.
If Jesus can forgive the people who put him on the cross, I think I can forgive the people that have hurt me. I have read several quotes about forgiveness and a lot of them talk about when you forgive someone you realize you were the prisoner the whole time. It's so true. I don't enjoy holding this grudge and I'm so ready to drop it. I want to hear their names and wish them well instead of wish them dead. I want to see them in public and not get heated. I want to see them in public and feel nothing more or less than what I felt seeing other strangers.
Birth dad and I will always be connected with the fact that we made Kinley but I want that to be the only thing. No anger or hatred connected. No love or relationship either. I don't expect a friendship out of this...just acquaintances. I want the peace of mind knowing I don't hate anyone. I want to live worry free(don't we all?)
So that's my New Years resolution. It's quite complicated but I'm determined to work hard at it. I don't have a dead line as to when I want to accomplish it- I just have the desire to work on it. If it takes a few months, great but if it takes more than a year, then it takes more than a year.
I've accomplished so much in my life and have worked hard to be in the great spot that I am at and I feel this is the last step in my healing process! Wish me luck:)