As some of you already know, my husband and I are going to be parents in September! We are both so excited and blessed! We found out a few days ago that we are going to have a sweet little girl!
It is amazing to see how much has changed and has been accomplished in the 2 1/2 years since I looked at that first positive pregnancy test. It almost seems unreal that that was my life since my life has undergone some major makeovers. Even looking back to a year ago when motherhood was tugging at my heart so heavily. I wanted to be a mom so badly, but Grant and I decided we needed to wait a little bit before we started trying for kids. It was a hard time in my life. BUT I'm glad I have a smart and patient husband because I needed to go through those difficult times. I needed to feel out all those stressful emotions that placement brought to me. They have made me stronger and have prepared me to be a mother.
Before I was ever pregnant with Kinley, I knew I wanted to be a mom someday, but that was in the future and I never really thought much of it. But those 9 months changed my mind-set completely. When Kinley came into this world, there was nothing more I wanted to be than a mother. I never grasped the amazingness a mother's love was until they laid her tiny body in my arms. Signing my parental rights away was the hardest thing in the world because I so badly wanted to me that little girl's mommy. But I knew I couldn't. From the moment after I placed Kinley all I wanted was to straiten my life out because I wanted to be a mom. I made big changes in my decisions to be worthy to marry a man in the temple, and I made personal emotional changes to be the best future mom.
Being a birth mom has made me rethink motherhood a million times over. Having a taste of motherhood for those 48 hours and it slipping through my finger tips has made me never take it for granted. After placement (and still to this day) it would bother me so much when mothers would complain about their babies being up all night or their toddlers getting into trouble. I wanted so badly to say, "Well, at least you have your little one with you every day." It's true though, I would give anything to be up all night with a cranky Kinley or pick up all her toys at the end of the day or clean up spaghetti sauce that she splattered all over my new dress. Those are things I miss out on and actually wouldn't mind doing! Having the opportunity now to be a mother, I don't want to take those things for granted. I will cherish all the sleepless nights and temper tantrums we will endure. I will take every chance I can to tell our sweet daughter how much we lover her. I will finally get the chance to witness all the milestones I have missed out on and be the mother I have always dreamed of being.
Over the past almost 2 years after placement, I have daydreamed and planned out what kind of mother I want to be. I have waited so long to fill these motherly "shoes" that have been empty and calling my name. No one or anything could ever replace my Kinley girl, but for the first time in almost 2 years, there is an ache that isn't there anymore. Those motherly instincts that came and have stayed are finally being able to be put to use. Those feelings of being useless and incompetent are fleeting. There is nothing I would rather be than a mother, and that dream "career" position is finally being filled with me! It still feels unreal, but its an amazing feeling.
Being a birth mother has prepared me for this. It has made me take the sacred role of a mother so seriously. It has made me not take the morning sickness, child birth, and all the things being a mom encompasses for granted. I have waited, prepared myself, and prayed for the opportunity to be a mother. Heavenly Father knew that I needed to wait a little while so that I could truly be ready to care for one of His children.
It has been such a rocky road over the past few years, but I wouldn't change it for anything.
Being a birth mother has prepared me to be a mother.