Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Others Can Change Too

First off- long time no see! It's been almost a whole year since I have blogged. Life has a way of getting busy and adoption seems to be on the back burner lately. 

This blog post has been weighing on my mind for quite some time now; and I finally have a few extra minutes, while watching Home Alone (for the 4th time this month), to sit down and type it all out. 

I think it hit me when I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting about a year or more ago and there was a talk about the celestial kingdom and how Heavenly Father wants all of us there. The speaker expressed their want and desire for every person in the world to know of the gospel and make it into the Celestial Kingdom all together. I got to thinking and asked myself, "What if J joined the church? What if he was a part of our ward and showed up every Sunday? What would I do?" My initial reaction was to turn my nose up and refuse to believe he would/could ever do that. But then I thought a little harder and had a wave of compassion. If I could change, why can't others? I've done some pretty bad things in my life, but here I am a changed person. I like to think of myself as a good person, striving to make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

Other's can change too. I think that was the moment I got off my high horse and realized that anyone, even the guy who let me down in so many ways, can change. Over the past 3 1/2 years I've always held some sort of anger towards him. While I can always portray him as a forever scum bag in my head, all that will do is cause unnecessary anger inside me. I feel like I've entered a whole new level of acceptance and forgiveness. A few years ago, I made a new years resolution to work on forgiving Kinley's birth father. Little did I know, this would be a multi-year "project." I have been working on remembering J is a fellow child of God. I don't have any lines of communication to him(nor do I care to), so I don't know what is going on in his life, but I will continue to assume he is working on himself. Because if by some crazy coinkydink he were to show up one sunday to hear the gospel, I'd have to get over work through what happened and accept him as a changed man. Will I ever be his friend? no. But, I also won't hold a grudge and think I'm better than him either. 

I'm not even sure what I'm saying makes sense. I wanted to get these thoughts down before I forgot them and also so they stop circulating my brain every morning as I'm getting ready for the day. I'm learning that I'm not the only one who can change and become a better person. Others can too. For Kinley's sake, I hope and pray that when she is older and more mature to understand, she can look at both J and I and be proud of where her roots are from. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Walking the Talk

As most know, one of the biggest struggles in "birth motherhood", for me, has been birth dad issues. They have also been one of my top goals for overcoming. I have been working very very hard to jump these hurdles. I feel I have come a long way. I can't say I have zero anger, but it's very minuscule to what it was before. 

Ever since my own daughter, Allie, was born, her relationship with her dad (my husband) has been very important to me. It's important for her to know him and have a relationship with him. It has gotten me to thinking about Kinley and the lack of a relationship she has with J. It makes me sad for her. I want her to at least know what he looks like and what his childhood was like. 

I sometimes feel guilty that maybe I haven't been doing my part in letting J have a part in this adoption. I know that's not true, but it's just how I feel sometimes. J refused to be a part of the adoption early on, so I have just gotten used to him not being apart of things. I haven't been intentionally keeping him out or refusing him anything. I really just haven't heard from him in a good 2 years. 

A few months ago, I told myself that if he ever came asking about her, I would be of help in sending a picture and a little update about her. That wouldn't hurt anyone. He deserves at least a picture. More importantly, Kinley has every right to know at least a little bit about where her other half of genes come from. I know that there will most likely come a time in Kinley's life when she will question  things and feel a need to discover her biological identity. And I don't want to stand in the way of that. 

Well, life has a way of making sure you keep your word and making sure you don't just talk the talk, but walk the walk. Around Christmas time, I received an email from him with a "how are you? Can I see a picture of Kinley?" I gave it a few days to roll around in my brain before I replied with something I didn't mean. My mom suggested I talk to Toby and Nicole before sending anything, since they ARE her parents and they have the ultimate say in everything. They agreed to me sending him a recent picture in exchange for a recent picture of J and a little biography about him so that Kinley can know about him. It's been a few weeks with no reply, but I feel peace and comfort knowing I have done my part in helping both J and Kinley out. 

Will there become a relationship that comes out of it right away? Probably not. But there is at least a small passage way formed for Kinley. I don't and will never know the emotions and struggles Kinley will have as she gets older, and I hope by opening this door, it may help ease them.

It was hard to put my own issues aside and put Kinley's best interest first, but sometimes growth and maturity need a little bit of pain to make progress. And for that, I am proud of myself.